why don’t I ever sleep?
why don’t I ever sleep?
I really need to work right now and I don’t have time to be a silly emotional cotton-headed ninny muggins so I’m going to write out everything I’m feeling in the hopes that it will make me feel better and legitimate and productive.
I hate that I have to find a major that I’m passionate about when I feel so disinterested in EVERYTHING. I hate that I want to get involved, but I’m too fucking lazy to actually do anything. I don’t want to go to any meetings, I don’t want to attend any events, I don’t actually WANT TO DO ANYTHING and that’s pretty goddamn fucked up. You can’t just live life like that and I realize it but what the fuck I don’t actually want to do shit. I just want to be able to say I do shit. Because I’m entirely about what people think of me, not who I actually am. And I’ve always known that. But it’s such a pain in the ass when it extends to the facets of my personality that I don’t naturally attribute to my vapidity. And all I want right now is to climb into my bed and think about the fact that I’m all alone at college and I can’t see my mom and even if I could we never talk anyway and I lost elena and pretty much I have no actual close friends and it bothers me so much but I don’t know what I want to DO about any of it. Like do people actually feel satisfied with their lives? Is that a real thing? Can anyone actually be okay with their choices and decisions and whatever? Or do we have to live with the fact that we’re constantly fucking up, but hopefully we’re just fucking up a little less each day. Because I’m not really big into that hopefully stuff. I just want to excel and be good and not have to worry and that’s so hard. I have so much trouble actually putting in work and although I feel good when the A’s come back, for some reason the idea of actually putting in the work sickens me. I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING EVER ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP AND FUCK SCHOOL AND TESTS AND WORKING OUT AND STUDYING AND BEING A GOOD STUDENT BECAUSE NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS WHEN YOU’RE FEELING AS CRAPPY AS I DO NOW.
I should probably go to bed. This is pretty ridiculous, even for me.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i need a support structure. where the hell is my support?
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
what the hell would tempt me to throw everything i love away for bullshit?
i’m such a jackass.